I am about to share with you The Day it Almost Went All The Way Down!!!

So, as you probably can already tell. I had an issue with taking some supplements before I started my workout. You may not know this yet, but I think I know everything. Yes, I’m one of those people who have to go through it to believe it. Which is unfortunate because going through it is by far the WORST!!! Yes, you read that right. It is horrific and sometimes downright embarrassing. Alas, I digress from the story…

I work out early in the morning, anywhere from about 4 am to 5 am. I’m in the gym. I have a routine that I usually do in the morning. Each morning, I prepare for WAR! It’s God first (Prayer, Meditation, Bible Study) where I put on my armour for the day (Ephesians 6:10-18), and then it’s get ready for gym time, baby, baby (said like Biggie Smalls). I hope those who are reading this know who Biggie Smalls is. If not, you probably should be reading this blog anyway. I’ll give you a few minutes to click off my site…. Okay, you’re still here? Then we’re good. Alright, where was I? Oh yeah. I get ready to do battle at the gym. This involves a little warm-up (maybe a few push-ups, a few squats, some stretching, etc). Then I take hella supplements (do people still say hella?). I’m not going to list all the supplements that I take because one, they ain’t paying me (YET, you all betta get on board this train. I’m bout to blow up and I don’t mean the bathroom, pun intended). Plus, it’s truly a lot of supplements. I’m older and I need that competitive advantage. The gym is where monsters roam, and you need to go in there prepared.

Anyway, I’m listening to these videos and blogs talk about cleansing and getting your insides together. I had the great idea that if I’m getting my outside right, why not get my insides right? I mean, can you dig it (said like that guy in the Warriors movie, I love that part of the movie. If you haven’t seen it, then YouTube it or something, Jeez). So I had ordered the cleansing supplements, and I decided in my infinite wisdom. Oh, let me take these with my other pre-workout supps (I’m just going to refer to them as supps. I don’t feel like writing out the whole word every time). I’m like everything can just work together for the glory and benefit of the epicness in which my body will be. Mind you, I want things to work as soon as I ingest them. If I don’t feel and see an immediate difference, I’m ready to quit. Like, oh, this stuff doesn’t work. I took it and did not lose the 10 pounds as promised. You understand what I’m saying, I’m sure. So I take the supps all together and I get ready to head out to the gym.

Now, to give you some context, the gym is about 45 minutes away. I was going to that one because it was close to my job, which was also 45 minutes away. So the gym was about 5 minutes from my job. I’d work out, shower, and then go to work. I timed it all so that I’d have about 20 or so minutes to get to work after my workout and shower. The first red flag should have been, and I say should have been because I ignored that mutha luva like a big dog (woof woof, that’s how I imagine big dogs bark via words, don’t mind me, just keep reading). My stomach did one of those Hey, did you by chance have a little something different this morning. Then it said. I’m not tripping or anything, but I just am curious if you did. Well, just get with me when you get a moment and let me know if I need to make any adjustments and take into account anything new that’s coming my way. I calm my stomach and tell it, it’s all good. Nothing unfamiliar should be coming. Matter of fact, what I took should make you feel way cleaner. Clean was the appropriate word, as you’ll see later. Anyway, I got another heads up that something was amiss about 15 or so minutes into the drive to the gym. This time, my stomach was a little more insistent. Stomach: “Hey bruh, Wat gives?!?!? Did you drink from a dirty water fountain? It feels like you just sent me 2 gallons of milk, and you know I’m lactose intolerant.” Me: “Nah man, chill, chill. We are almost at the gym, and then we can work it out. We’re good, bro, we’re good.” Stomach: “Man, listen… I’m trying to tell you something ain’t right. It just ain’t right. I’ma chill though.

5 minutes out from the gym, all hades breaks lose (I pronounce it like Hey-Dees, I’m not saying that’s right. It’s just how I say it). Stomach: “Bruh, I tried. Fo sho I tried. I tried to hold it in, I tried to warn you, I’ve tried to keep you updated. Did you not notice how much gas you’ve been passing on the way to the gym? I know you have because you rolled the window down, and it’s stupid cold outside.” Me: “Man, you have to let me make it to the gym. I’m too far right now for you to play me like this. I can’t go all the way back home, sitting in filth, and I can’t get halfway into this gym, and you just decide to give up on me.” Stomach: “It’s not my fault you weren’t listening to me. I told you before you walked out the door.” Me: “I know, I know, but you know how stubborn I can be. You know, I thought I had it.” Stomach: “Oh, you have it alright.” Me: “Hey, there’s the gym right there. We can make it come on, buddy, you can do it (Yes, I said it like that, one dude in the Water Boy). So as you can tell, I’m begging my stomach to stay on point with me. At this point, every pothole, every red light (I was blowing through yellow light, I blew through like they were forest green and I was on the autobahn), every delay was a curse, a hex of witchcraft, a demonic delay. Nothing quite captures how I felt more than this scene from the movie Bridesmaids. I was all of these women combined in my pain. “Don’t Look At Me!!!”

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To keep you from suspense. I did make it to the gym, only by the grace of God. More importantly, I made it to the bathroom. I flew on the wings of eagles and prayed that a stall was open. I saw the open stall, and 300, This is Sparta, kicked the stall door in. Trailing behind me was what you could liken to the tail of a comet. It was Azz Fire!!! Although the whole clip below is truly hilarious. To understand the true nature of Azz Fire, start the video at 5:24 and listen to the judge’s sentencing of the defendant.

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At the end of it all, I found restoration. I completed the workout, which turned out to be a fairly good one. I burned the underwear that I wore to the gym, though. I figured it was like burning sage, and I needed to keep away the evil spirits from my newly sanctified stomach.

Till Next Time, WatChaHealthyFo3 Anyway…